Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
