Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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