First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
