Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
