I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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