Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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