yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
