allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
