I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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