Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
