Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think i have two assholes
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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