The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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