Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
