Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She even gives head with a lisp.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
