My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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