we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
