Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
