And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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