ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
