I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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