Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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