I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
