I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
