I wanna bring you to show and tell
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
