I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
