you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
no, he came in my armpit
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
