When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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