laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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