11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
