Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
