Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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