you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
