you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
