My liver just broke up with me...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
