Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We talked him into tasing himself.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
