There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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