I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
