my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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