I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
