Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
