Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
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