roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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