I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
