i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
