I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
