SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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