How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
