Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
