Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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