I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
