I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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