I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
