How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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