its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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